Before the fly of the tent is zipped up fully, I’m on Jess. Or she’s on me. We’re all over each other, tumbling around and rolling over and over again on our makeshift bed – a foam mattress plus doona. It’s freezing cold in the tent, but the more I kiss her, and the more we roll around together, the hotter I become.
“Adam,” she moans, as I kiss her neck and scrape my teeth behind her ear.
I move away long enough to strip off my shirt and jumper, and she quickly does the same. And then I’m on her again, kissing her collarbone and every inch of exposed skin I find like the desperate man I feel. I cup her breasts and when she arches her back, I undo the clasp of her bra, exposing them to the frigid air. The need to taste her overpowers me. Blood rushes to my groin as I take her in my mouth and kiss, lick and nip at her gently. Her hands fist in my hair, telling me she likes it. She’s so gorgeous.
With one hand, I unbutton and unzip her jeans, and when my hand dives down the front of her jeans and I feel how she ready she already is, I’m in heaven.
“Less clothes,” she demands breathlessly.
Normally I like to take my time and make sure she enjoys every moment, that I leave my mark on her – that I’m unforgettable – but tonight I need to bury myself in her and lose myself in her. If she’s up with getting on with this quickly, so am I.
She starts pushing her jeans down her legs. “Damn hiking boots,” she grumbles, untying her shoe laces.
I can’t help but chuckle roughly, but I’m having my own issues getting rid of my clothes in the small confines of the tent. Once we’re both naked, she looks at me with green eyes that are dark with lust. I can’t help but appreciate the perfect female body in front of me as she gets on her knees to look through our bags, presumably looking for the condoms.
It still shocks me that we’re together. She’s the perfect ten, inside and out. And I might not be the geek who got beaten to a pulp and bullied, and I might not do too badly in the looks department, but she’s the perfect female – a fantasy come true. A fantasy I never even knew I had. Women like her are normally with the obscenely wealthy or famous. She dated Jake Cantrell for fuck’s sake.
Desperate to push the thoughts of her with him out of my head, I take advantage of her position, placing myself behind her. I kiss her back and her shoulders, reaching one hand around to fondle her breasts while my other slips between her thighs, so I can play in the wet heat between her legs as she continues looking for prophylactics.
Her moans are not as quiet as she promised they would be as I circle her clit with a finger, but I don’t care. Right now, I don’t care who hears us, I just want to be inside her. However, the attention I’m giving her seems to be delaying us instead of furthering my cause. Instead of looking through the bags for the condoms, she’s stopped to reach behind her and take me in hand, stroking her hand along the length of me and teasing me as I pleasure her in return.
“Find the condoms,” I beg, one hand squeezing her breast lightly, while the one still between her legs continues to work her towards climax.
She grumbles something unintelligible but does as I ask, bending over the bag once more. The angle she’s on invites me to slide my fingers inside her. She moans long and loud as she moves back on my fingers. The sight causes my already swollen erection to swell even further, and I wrap one hand around myself and stroke.
She’s still bent over the bag, but she’s no longer looking for the condoms; she’s given up and is now too busy enjoying the moment. Deciding she needs the extra motivation, I remove my fingers and hold her hips steady with one hand, while bringing the leaking head of my cock to her entrance to tease her. She moans and adjusts her angle, trying to move straight back on me.
“Find the damn condoms, Jess, before I slide into you naked.”
Her breathing is so heavy and her eyes are darker than I’ve ever seen them as she looks over her shoulder at me. “Just do it, please,” she begs. “I’m clean and I’m protected. If you’re clean, I want to feel you.”
I’ve only gone bareback with one girl and that was a mistake. I pulled out before I came. Being with Jess like this isn’t a mistake, though. I want it more than I want my next breath.
“I’m clean,” I manage to scrape out.
Less than a second later she’s moving back and I’m watching the blunt and aching head of my cock slide inside her.
“Fuck, Jess.” The sensation – not to mention the sight – is out of this world, the feeling of nothing between us.
Everything in me tightens and tingles in anticipation as she slides further down me and I push forward. Her long low moan as I fill her completely has me pulsing long and hard inside her, the pleasure of being inside her without any barrier between us beyond anything I’ve experienced.
She’s still got her hands on our big bag, so she’s slightly on an angle as I start moving my hips. She continues to thrust back onto me, every time I try to move back. I’m so close to losing it all. Normally I refuse to give in this early, wanting to make her come a few times before I give in, but tonight I can’t seem to stop myself from racing towards that much needed release. I want her to be mine completely. The fact I can feel her around me is the biggest turn on. I want to empty myself deep inside her.
I reach around the front of her, circling her clit with one hand while gripping her hip with the other. She’s trying desperately to be quiet as I pleasure her, but I doubt we’re being quiet enough. I don’t care, though. The way she’s contracting around me and whimpering has me seconds away from blowing. When she finally gives in and I feel the hot gush of her pleasure hit me, along with her contractions, I put both hands on her hips, holding her in position as I thrust into her deeper than ever, letting go and burying myself in her one last time, giving her everything I’ve got.
“Adam. God, Adam,” she whispers as I explode inside her.
I’m in heaven. My climax goes on and on. It feels like minutes go by, even though I know it’s probably only seconds.
“Oh God,” she whispers again as she lands on her hands, completely on all fours now, my cock still hard and pulsing inside her.
I lean over her, kissing her back and shoulders, aware that I’m not going down at all. I’m still hard, despite how much I just blew.
“You feel so damn good,” I tell her, starting to slide in and out of her again.
Her only response it to moan and lean back so her back is against my chest, letting me know she’s ready for more. I’m normally the one in control, the one pacing myself so I don’t give away just how much she affects me and just how much she turns me on, but tonight I don’t care. I just want to drown in her.
I fuck her again, much slower this time, and we change position so that I’m sitting up and she’s on top of me. I can’t stop kissing her as she rolls her hips and moves back and forth. It’s not frantic, she’s not racing towards anything and neither am I. We’re just kissing and tasting each other as I throb inside her. This is just us being together and enjoying it, and I realise there is nothing casual about this. Nothing casual about us.
I change our position again, rolling her underneath me and making love to her now, aware of her pleasure as she lets go once more. This time, however, I’m not observing it with pride; I’m completely lost in her. My emotions and feelings overtake me as I give into my second orgasm for the night. And as I come back to earth and look into her eyes, I realise I’d been deluding myself about not losing my head. I’ve already lost my head. I’m already falling hard. Jessica Skyler has brought me to my knees like every man before me. I don’t want her to leave. I want more. I want her. All of her, and I’m not ready to let her go. I need to tell her, and I will.
After I put the fire out.
Any idea I’d had of telling Jess I want her to stay flies out the window when I get back in the tent and see she’s fallen asleep. Annoyed I missed my opportunity, I crawl into bed beside her, holding her close to me as I obsess over my realisation.
It takes me so long to drop off that I end up sleeping in. When I finally wake up, I can hear everyone up already, outside of their tents. Jess is no longer next to me. Normally, I’m the first one up, the one starting the fire in the morning. I like fires, so sue me. Feeling out of sorts with Jess gone and the fire already probably roaring, I throw on some clothes and make my way out of the tent.
Of course, the guys are pricks about the fact I’ve slept in. Standing around the campfire, they’re all looking far too smug.
“Well, look who’s finally surfaced,” Jamie says.
“You missed breakfast,” Logan adds.
“He needs more beauty sleep in his old age,” Kyle jokes. “Seems like Jess tuckered him out. You need some more stamina, Granger.”
I flip the three of them the bird, noting that the fire is indeed roaring and I missed my chance to play with it. More annoyingly, the women are nowhere to be seen.
“Where are the girls?” I ask.
“Oh, look, his first question is about his new lady love.” Despite the fact Jamie is wearing a grin, his comment hits a nerve.
“Fuck off,” I grumble.
“Someone’s in a mood this morning,” Kyle says.
“Trouble in paradise already?” Logan asks.
“Not if what I heard last night is anything to go by,” Kyle says, grinning. “Oh, Adam, give it to me. Jess, you’re the best. I can’t get enough.”
His impression of us fucking sucks. “We weren’t the only ones who were loud,” I complain.
Kyle’s expression changes and he looks frustrated. “Tell me about it. I don’t know why I wasn’t able to bring anyone with me.”
“Who would you have brought? Seriously? You’re the king of one night stands,” Jamie reminds him. “Nearly as bad as Granger over here. And this weekend was supposed to be for friends, not weird chicks we’ll never hear from again.”
“Fuck you,” Kyle says. “It’s not fair I have to be sexually frustrated while the six of you are getting it on.”
“Naomi is also here single,” Logan reminds him.
“Yeah, and you’ve mentioned it to me twice already. She’s a nice bird, but there’s just no spark at all, so drop it already. I’m not sleeping with her.”
“Can one of you tell me where the women are?” I ask,
Jamie laughs “Aw, he can’t bear to be separated from her for a few minutes.”
“Guy’s a goner,” Kyle agrees.
“Knew you’d be whipped. Like every man before you,” Logan says.
“Forget it, I’ll find them myself,” I say, anger filling me.
They might be right, but it’s not something I want to dwell on right now. And with the way they’re acting, I’d rather spend time with the women than with them.
“They’re close to the river, washing some dishes,” Jamie calls after me. When he sees the look on my face, he shakes his head. “I told them not to wash them in the stream. They took a bucket.”
“Come back in a better mood, will you?” Kyle yells.
Ignoring him, I start walking down the road leading out of our campsite and down towards the river. Sure enough, as soon as I’m a bit further down, I hear some the female voices of our group. I’m still standing on the side of the road, but their voices carry to me.
“You have to tell him,” Kristy says, causing me not to go further.
“I don’t. Not yet.”
I know that’s Jess voice. I’d know her voice anywhere. Is she talking about me? Immediately, my insides begin knotting at the thought that she’s keeping something from me – that there’s something she hasn’t told me.
“You’ve told him you want to stay?” I think that’s Naomi. “That you don’t want to go back to modelling.”
“I asked him flat out yesterday on the way here if he wants me to stay and he said he does, but he was hardly convincing. Sometimes I think that’s the only reason he agreed to this relationship – he thought we’d be over quickly and that I’d be leaving.”
My heart sinks with the thought she believes that. Then again, why wouldn’t she? I’ve never let on and told her how much I care about her.
“You don’t know that for sure,” Kristy says. “If you don’t tell him-“
“K, I told him right from the beginning I wanted it to be more than some casual thing. I put myself out there and I was honest with him about what I wanted and about what he means to me. I’ve told him from the start things are different with him. In return he said he wanted to see how things went.”
Her words make me feel like an out and out coward. I’ve been holding back. Worse still, I’ve given her such a hard time in the past about not being real and genuine, while I’ve been completely unwilling to be real with her. I’ve never been willing to show her just how much I care about her. Even last night, when I knew I had to tell had to tell her I want her to stay, I chickened out. Instead of letting her know, I went to take care of the fire and when I got back in the tent she was asleep.
“He told all the guys it’s a casual thing when you turned up yesterday,” Gemma says in a voice so soft I have to strain to hear.
I wish there weren’t a thousand ferns and trees between us, blocking me from their view because I want to see Jess’s face. I know what I’m doing is probably an invasion of privacy, but if there is something Jess is keeping from me, surely I deserve to know.
“It’s early days,” Jess says, the hurt in her voice tearing through me. “Keeping it casual is logical, but…”
“You’re not happy,” Kristy finished for her.
“I’m happy we’re together.”
“Well, I only have a couple of days to get back to these people,” Naomi tells her.
“But you only got the email yesterday,” Jess points out.
“I know, but you need to make up your mind pretty quickly. It’s a great opportunity and one you should seriously consider. You’d make a huge difference to people in the same position, you’ve got experience in the area. It’s right up your alley, being a communications major, and you’d definitely boost the ratings of the show with everything going on in your life right now. Plus, it’s not modelling.”
“But it’s in Sydney.”
Sydney? Some show in Sydney wants Jess and she hasn’t told me?
“I know how you feel about him,” Kristy says. “And I’ll say it again, you need to tell him. But if he doesn’t feel the same way, maybe this show would be a great opportunity. One that may not come along again.”
I don’t hear Jess’ response because I don’t stick around. My insides are all twisted up as I start walking back to camp. The guys make their fair share of comments when I get back alone, but I don’t listen to anything they say. Instead, I walk straight over to my tent, unzip it and take my wallet out, sliding it into the back pocket of my jeans.
“Hey, where are you going?” Logan asks as I start walking out of camp again.
“Into town. I need coffee and breakfast.”
“You want company?” he asks, jogging up to me.
“Thanks, but I actually want to get some fresh air.”
I take off, hoping Logan understands I want to be myself. Fortunately, I’ve got a whole lot of alone time ahead of me. The walk into town is a long one, about seven kilometres in total. I’m starving when I finally get to the café there. Ordering bacon, eggs and coffee, I go to sit by myself, my knee jiggling up and down the whole time I wait because I can’t seem to sit still.
The problem is that I don’t know what to do now. I know I should tell Jess how I feel – that I want her to stay and that I do want more than this casual thing between us. But I don’t want her to end up resenting me. There was so much resentment between my parents – so much hatred.
But Jess and I aren’t married, I remind myself. We’re not committed and locked into everything. Even if she makes a decision, she can always change her mind.
And isn’t that the real reason I’m holding back? It isn’t just the idea she’ll resent me. I’m terrified that no matter what she says she wants now, she might decide later that she wants to leave. She could crush me so badly.
I spent so long convincing myself I wouldn’t be that boy again – the fifteen-year-old weak and pathetic boy who got his heart broken. All this time I’ve blamed my parents and their fighting for my lack of desire for a relationship – and yeah, that definitely influenced it – but it’s more than that. What happened with Tamara broke me, broke my confidence and broke my heart. I swore I’d never let myself be vulnerable like that again, because being vulnerable means being weak. And in the eleven years since that event with Tamara happened, I’ve never allowed myself to be vulnerable and weak. In hindsight, however, I have to wonder how brave I really have been. Does refusing to put my heart on the line make me weak or strong? Holding back isn’t bold or courageous, it’s safe. Sure, I can sit back and not tell Jess how I feel, but if she goes without me telling her how I feel, I’ll be crushed anyway. She deserves to know how I feel, and I deserve to have a real chance with her.
The idea of talking to her about it is scary as shit, and it takes me back to how I felt asking Tamara out. The thing is, I’m not that boy anymore. I’m stronger, tougher, I know who I am and I’m not stupid enough to see things that aren’t there. Jess is a great person. I’m not idolizing her. She’s earned my trust and respect. We’re friends. There’s no reason to hold back.
When breakfast comes, I scoff it down and ask for my coffee to go, ready to start the long walk back. Ridiculously, I’ve only been away from Jess for an hour and a bit and I miss her like crazy.
As soon as I get back to camp and see Kristy’s anxious face, however, I feel worried.
“Where’s Jess?” I ask her.
“With Logan. They went for a walk.”
“Is that a good idea?” I ask, annoyed Jess is nowhere to be seen.
I haven’t even had the chance to talk to her this morning and Logan is saying God only knows what to her.
“Honestly,” Kristy says, biting her lip. “I’m not sure, but Logan insisted they go and Jess agreed without any hesitation.”
Great, I guess that means I’m waiting once again to tell her how I feel and hoping Logan doesn’t fuck anything up between us in the meantime.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Next chapter, Logan and Jess clear the air 😀